June 21, 2010 by FilterKaapi
Current Slapper: Hello and welcome to a very special episode of ‘Electric Encounters’ coming to you live from the serene locales of Café Mokka. I’m your host, Current Slapper (no relation to Karan Thapar). Ladies and gentlemen, the scenes we are witnessing here are astounding and absolutely unprecedented. The guest on our show tonight, the suspended Commissioner of the IPL, Mr. Lalit.K.Modi, is hanging from the ceiling of the Café by a rope tied around his waist.
Current Slapper: Welcome Mr. Commissioner. May I know the reason you are in this state, sir?
IPL Commissioner (suspended): <takes his seat> Thank you Current. Well, the reason for me being this way, you stated yourself. <Broad grin>
Current Slapper: I, sir?
IPL Commissioner (suspended): Of course, Current! The introduction that you gave about me!
Current Slapper: The introduction, sir?
IPL Commissioner (suspended): Yes man!
Current Slapper: Oh! That is quite brilliant of you sir! Well ladies and gentlemen we have for you the ‘suspended’ commissioner, Mr. Lalit.K.Modi! Once again, welcome to the show sir. And now that you have made your point, please do come down and have a seat.
IPL Commissioner (suspended): Thank you for having me Current. You must admit, that was one hell of an entry, eh?
Current Slapper: Yes sir! I must say! There has never been such a dramatic entry on this show before.
Current Slapper: So welcome once again, ladies and gentlemen, to a very special episode of ‘Electric Encounters’. This is the first of a two-part series with our guest tonight, Mr. Lalit.K.Modi.
Current Slapper: So sir! My first question to you is this. You’ve been called the most famous ‘lisp’ in the country; your thoughts on this?
IPL Commissioner (suspended): Well Current, what can I say? A lisp is nothing but ‘lips’ spelt differently!
Current Slapper: That’s one way of looking at it! So what do you have to say about all this hoopla that has been created around your involvement…
IPL Commissioner (suspended): Alleged involvement!
Current Slapper: Yes … ahem Alleged involvement in this entire scandal.
IPL Commissioner (suspended): Well what can I say Current! It’s all blasphemy. I’ve been framed by people who are getting jealous of me. I’ve never done a dishonest thing in my life!
Current Slapper: Indeed, sir? Well I find that hard to believe!
IPL Commissioner (suspended): Ok ok! I stole one packet of Poppins from the local shop when I was 5 years old but apart from that nothing. Nothing at all!
Current Slapper: Yes well, if you say so sir! So then how do you respond to these charges leveled against you?
IPL Commissioner (suspended): In a long and very verbose way. Get my point?<Points to a copy of the 15000 page document containing the reply to the ‘Show Cause’ notice>
Current Slapper: Wow! You actually carry that around everywhere?
IPL Commissioner (suspended): Yes! One must always be ready. And in case I can’t take it to some place, I always have my e-copy on my iPhone. You have an iPhone? Turn on your Bluetooth. I’ll transfer it.
Current Slapper: Thank you for the offer sir but no thanks. Coming back to the topic… The ‘Show Cause’ notices leveled against you by the BCCI …
IPL Commissioner (suspended): I replied to them didn’t I? <Pats the documents affectionately>
Current Slapper: Ahem yes indeed! And in some length too! Can you tell us why you had to actually prepare a 15000 page reply when you could have replied in a much shorter manner?
IPL Commissioner (suspended): Well, you have to blame Idea cellular for that.
Current Slapper: Idea cellular, sir? I don’t see a connection.<Sorry folks, no pun intended>
IPL Commissioner (suspended): Well I was in Mumbai for a Mumbai Indians match and I rang up Kumar…
Current Slapper: Pardon the interruption sir, but who is Kumar?
IPL Commissioner (suspended): Kumarmangalam Birla, man! Owner of Idea! Don’t you know? What journalist are you?! So anyway, I called him up and asked for some free talk-time which he refused. I mean can you imagine that? He refused ME a little talk-time! So I vowed revenge against him and I got my chance!
Current Slapper: Sorry sir, but I still fail to comprehend!
IPL Commissioner (suspended): Its simple, Current. Idea’s tree-saving campaign. By this one tactical masterstroke, I was able to not only keep the BCCI busy by making them read this utterly unnecessary document but also to wipe out that campaign. More people now, talk about my 15000 page notice and that Idea campaign has been suppressed.
Current Slapper: Wow! Ingenious!
IPL Commissioner (suspended): <broad grin>
Current Slapper: But don’t you feel frustrated by all these repeated ‘Show Cause’ notices, sir?
IPL Commissioner (suspended): Not at all. The BCCI have just shown what a bunch of idiots they are.
Current Slapper: I’m sorry sir but I don’t think I fully understand.
IPL Commissioner (suspended): Well, its simple mathematics really…
Current Slapper: Maths, sir?
IPL Commissioner (suspended): Yes, Current! Maths. You studied trigonometry right? Well it’s in the basics of that! What is ‘cos’? It’s adjacent divided by hypotenuse. By giving me ‘Show cos’ notices, they are unwittingly saying that I am their adjacent, or in other words, on their side. If they had given me a ‘Show sine’ notice, however, then there would be a cause <no pun intended> for concern because as you know, sine is opposite divided by hypotenuse. Then they would be saying that I am their opposite. So you see there is absolutely no reason for me to feel threatened.
Current Slapper: Unbelievable! I don’t think I’ve ever heard a more fantastically simple explanation to such a delicate question!
IPL Commissioner (suspended): <broad grin>
Current Slapper: <Still shaken by the previous answer>Coming back sir, what about your announcement of the Kochi bidders on Twitter? That created quite a stir!
IPL Commissioner (suspended): That was just some fun we were having on Twitter actually. People demand to know and so I give it to them. After all, I am a public servant!
Current Slapper: Well sir, people demand to know your bank account balance as well.
IPL Commissioner (suspended): In that case, they shall know it. My bank accounts are balanced. I have equal accounts in many banks.
Current Slapper: And we thought we were in for a real scoop there! So what about your twitter account then? We don’t find you tweeting too much these days!
IPL Commissioner (suspended): Actually, yeah. I had a small fight with the guys at Twitter. They refused to stream the IPL live.
Current Slapper: Sir, but Twitter is not a video streaming site!
IPL Commissioner (suspended): Oh! Ok then! No problem I’ll just shelve my plan to destroy twitter.
Current Slapper: And what would that plan be?
IPL Commissioner (suspended): I’m going to upload this entire thing <pets the 15000 page reply again> onto Twitter and crash their servers. But now that I have nothing against them, I won’t do it.
Current Slapper: Thank you for sparing Twitter, sir!
IPL Commissioner (suspended): <broad grin>
Current Slapper: So anyway! Coming back … What do you make of your successor sir?
IPL Commissioner (suspended): Again, I must say that this is the height of hypocrisy by the BCCI!
Current Slapper: I’m not sure I understand, sir!
IPL Commissioner (suspended): Well, they suspended me because they thought I was acting like a dictator but appointed this Idi Amin as my successor.
Current Slapper: Sir, it’s actually Chirayu Amin, sir!
IPL Commissioner (suspended): Oh! That’s ok. I’m sure they must be related somehow!
Current Slapper: Yes yes, indeed! One last question on today’s episode sir; if, just if the BCCI actually find that you have done something wrong, what will you do?
IPL Commissioner (suspended): First of all, that will not happen. I have made sure of that, er, I mean I have done nothing wrong. But just in case they do find something and I’m in trouble, I’ll go to Uttar Pradesh.
Current Slapper: Uttar Pradesh? But why? Will you go into hiding or something?
IPL Commissioner (suspended): Ha ha! No need for all that! I’ll just change a letter.
Current Slapper: Change a letter?
IPL Commissioner (suspended): Yes; One letter; From ‘L’ to ‘D’. I’ll simply change the first letter of my name and become Dalit Modi. Then in Uttar Pradesh, Mayawati behenji will take care of me.
Current Slapper: What a stroke of genius! Well, there you have it folks. That concludes the first part of a special two-part series with the commissioner (suspended) of the IPL, Mr. Lalit.K.Modi. Be sure to tune into part 2 where Mr. Modi talks about his future plans and a whole lot more. Until then, this is Surrent Clapper, I mean, Current Slapper signing off.